As you pack up your house to move, and clear all sorts of things that are no longer required for where you’re heading – not just physically but within your very being – you pick up and flick through an old note book.
You find notes from sessions with your mentor, dated nearly three years ago
You remember this time of exhaustion. Pushing and striving in your business, fuelled by fear as a single mum having to holding it all together on your own. Just a year out of your marriage and nowhere near knitted back together again. A fresh relationship with another man that already had you feeling engulfed.
You read the notes. You see that your third chakra, your power centre, was running on empty. Spluttering to keep going, like an old car pushing its way to the petrol station on sheer will alone.
But this is the part you read that stays with you, that keeps landing in your mind for the rest of the day, and the next day too, and makes you feel heavy and sad. So you write this, to remind yourself. And you hope it will be useful to at least one other woman too.
You remember that you have thought about this before now, from time to time, during the past few years.
The notes say that the new relationship has to be on your terms, to allow you to heal and restore your sense of power, energy and strength.
It says that you need to tell this man: “This is where I’m at. I’m going to practise being honest about what I need and I need your support.”
The notes say that you have heavy demands on your energy and you have to decide where you’re going to put the energy you have available.
There’s a breakdown, in percentages. It has your energy for the relationship at 5%.
You knew you felt swamped and squashed.
You even wrote this in the session notes, to say to him: “I’m working on this. I need to pay attention and don’t want to bail on our relationship. I need to pull back and have space for myself. Part of me feels it would be easier to not have you around – and I want to be here.”
Then the notes say that you need to look at what’s essential in your life. Be ruthless, because everything has an energy cost. Get as much off your plate as you can. What do you no longer want or need?
You read the notes again. You think back to that time. You remember thinking that the relationship was on your terms. You really thought that. You wanted to believe that was true.
And yet… your energy knew the truth. That engulfment, that sense of feeling squashed. You were running on empty. What you felt was palpable, impossible to ignore.
You tuned in to your soul’s knowing, and you were told you had just 5% energy for the relationship.
In practical terms that might have looked like seeing one another just once a week. Not taking three, usually very long phone calls a day from him too, unannounced visits a few nights a week (“surprise!”), and other acts to keep you hooked in and keep him at a minimum of 80% to feed his insatiable need.
You adored him. You stayed. You didn’t say the things you planned to say. You even moved in together. And what started out feeling like engulfment ended up in depression. Your truth shoved down. Your spirit ignored. And eventually, illness too.
You look back and think it was all a waste somehow. So damaging. Destructive.
You think back to old journals you’ve written and looked at years and years after you wrote the entries. To relationships where, right at the beginning, you saw the writing on the wall.
And yet you stayed, and made commitments, some with very serious consequences, and it hurt your heart to read that you knew all along. And you wonder, if you’d listened to your truth and taken action, what would your life be like now? What could it be like now?
Love. Please. Listen to your knowing.
It is not in your head, that jumbled place of mind and ego and fear and misplaced desire.
Your feminine power rises when you are in your body and heart. Your knowing, in this space, is crystal clear.
Your truth always leads to freedom. Your truth would never lead you to just 5%.
There’ll be times it requires heartbreaking decisions and actions. Make them and take them.
The resulting inner peace will allow you to sleep comfortably at night, as you own your life and claim more of your power for yourself as only you can.
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